Healing For My Heart
By B. M. Rose

"In those terrifying moments, I understood that God had answered the question I had asked a few weeks ago: yes, I needed help and He had created this opportunity for me to get it."

My heart was pounding as I approached the door of the Pregnancy Clinic. I never thought I would be back here again so soon. Just a few weeks ago, I had been invited to an afternoon tea with several other ladies to hear about the work of the clinic; we were all involved with church ministries in various ways.

One of the main topics the clinic dealt with was Post Abortion Syndrome. The speaker had elaborated on the terrible pain experienced by those who have had abortions. She read a testimony from someone who was struggling with the agony she endured because of her choice.

I felt as though the speaker were talking directly to me. I was extremely uncomfortable. I tried not to squirm and fidget in my chair, but the more she talked, the more I thought about my own experience.   When the meeting was over, I couldn't wait to get home. I was troubled and unsettled and just wanted to be alone and think about all I'd heard. I kept reminding myself it was so long ago; I was different now and didn't think it was necessary to revisit my past.

I was extremely busy at the time, planning a ladies' event for my church, working part-time, and looking after my family, and felt the only choice at the moment was to put my feelings on hold. I really did not want to look at that terrible choice I had made in my life. I asked the Lord to show me if I needed help in dealing with my abortion experience; meanwhile, I kept myself busy, and before I knew it, a couple of weeks had gone by.

One day my friend, Sue, asked me to help her hang some curtains at her house. We decided to make a day of it and started by going out for breakfast. During breakfast Sue realized she'd forgotten a nail appointment that was made previously and asked if I would go with her. I said sure and so off we went. She mentioned that her appointment was uptown. I rarely go there, and since that is where the Pregnancy Clinic is located, I was reminded of my last visit.

My thoughts went back to the afternoon tea and everything that happened at the meeting. To my astonishment, we neared the clinic and Sue parked right next to it. I started to shake. We got out of the car and walked to the building; the clinic was upstairs, the salon was downstairs. My hands trembled and my heart pounded as I silently followed her. In those terrifying moments, I understood that God had answered the question I had asked a few weeks ago: yes, I needed help and He had created this opportunity for me to get it. It was unbelievable that my friend had an appointment downstairs while I had one upstairs!

I waited until Sue left and then began to climb the stairs to the clinic; I literally thought my knees would give way. Little did I know this would be the beginning of a wonderful healing in my life. I had always assumed I didn't deserve to be forgiven for committing such a great sin. As I walked through the door I was sure the counsellors could see the shame written all over me. I couldn't meet their eyes, but they didn't seem to notice anything amiss and warmly greeted me. I didn't have to ask to speak with anyone as I recognized one of the ladies who spoke at the afternoon tea. She said hello and invited me into her office to talk. My mind was racing and it seemed as though my words were all mixed up, but she seemed to understand. I felt her genuine concern and desire to help me.

When I finally finished telling my story, the counsellor praised me for having the courage to come and said she would set up an appointment for me with one of the other counsellors. She prayed with me, gave me a hug, and reassured me that I had come to the right place. I left knowing this had been a divine appointment set up by God, and I resolved to get the counselling I needed. I waited for Sue in the lobby of the building and didn't say a word about where I'd been for the past hour.

The next day, a counsellor called me and we started meeting regularly. I really felt I had no right to grieve the loss of my baby because it had been my choice to abort regardless of the circumstances at the time of my decision. The hardest part was taking responsibility for the loss of my baby and allowing myself to grieve. It was difficult to receive God's forgiveness, but I knew He loved me, and the best gift I could give Him would be to receive His forgiveness and surrender all my pain and sin to Him. God showed me His love and mercy and helped heal my heart from the pain I carried with me for more than twenty years. My healing came gradually, and even though it was agonizing at times, I will never regret the time spent in counselling.

My story begins shortly after I graduated from high school when I met and married my Prince Charming, or so I thought. We were married in December and two months later, found out I was pregnant. My exciting news came tumbling down on me when my husband told me to get an abortion. I was shocked-I had never considered an abortion and didn't expect him to react the way he did.

I went to my doctor and he asked me if I felt the same way as my husband. I said no. He asked to speak to my husband, and after their meeting, I was told I could have my baby. I am happy to say I had a boy whom I love very much.

About seven months after his birth, I became pregnant again; taking the birth control pill wasn't an option because of health reasons, and we just weren't careful enough. This time, my husband said absolutely no way to another baby, and I knew not to push. We were already experiencing difficulties in our marriage, and this was adding to our troubles.

I forced myself to become numb so I wouldn't have to feel or think about what would happen next. I spoke to my doctor again and was advised that if we weren't planning to have children in the next two years, a partial hysterectomy should be performed with the abortion due to some serious health issues. My husband worked out of town a lot and was away when I had the surgery. I didn't tell anyone.

Weeks later while I was still recovering, I found out my husband was having an affair. This had been happening while he was working out of town. I thought my heart would break. I honestly didn't think I could handle any more, and so I became cold and unforgiving and decided to take my son and walk out on my marriage. I never dealt with my feelings or the anguish-I shoved it all aside and tried to carry on.

My life spiralled downward very quickly, but it took years before I asked the big questions and found the answers. As I came to know God through His Son Jesus, I discovered the unconditional love and peace I was so desperate for. He has been working in my life ever since and healing my heart. I still live with the consequences of my abortion but no longer carry the burden because of what the Lord has done in my heart.

I am so thankful He brought me to the Pregnancy Clinic and helped me deal with an extremely painful time in my life. He used this clinic as an expression of His love to heal and mend a broken heart. The counsellor stood with me, and step-by-step, walked me through all the unexpressed emotions and feelings I was holding on to. She helped me to grieve the loss of my child and showed me love when I felt undeserving of it.

I understand that God has forgiven me, and I've finally learned to forgive myself and take responsibility for my choices. I will always regret having an abortion, but God has brought me comfort in knowing that He is holding my baby in His arms. Someday when I stand before Him, He will tenderly place that precious little gift in my arms. Until then, my hope and prayer is that I will give to others the unconditional love and compassion He has given me.?

B.M. Rose is a church secretary and lives in Kitchener, Ontario.